The Idiot was asked by local officials to photograph and judge this weekend’s 60-kilometer long Easter parade between Skepasti and Georgioupolis in northwestern Crete. Municipal authorities insisted “your unbiased eye and independent voice are required to maintain the credibility of our highly regarded Easter pageant.”

Here are the winners and losers in the controversial categories adjudicated by The Idiot.

I. The Sweetest Seaside Chapel

Loser: There was a lot of pressure from the church to swing the vote in favor of this delightful coastal chapel in Rethymno. Though much appreciated by The Idiot, he didn’t give it the coveted Golden Cross Award.

This chapel lost the Golden Cross Award.

Winner: This basically inaccessible chapel in the sea in Georgioupolis won the Golden Cross Award because you have to walk on water to get to it. Seemed like a no brainer to The Idiot.

And the winner of the Golden Cross Award requires an ability to walk on water to reach it.

II. The Most Popular Place To Be After The Parade Award

Loser: Beaches, ready for the summer season to kickoff, were prepared to welcome sunbathers from dawn to dusk. But despite sunshine locals stayed away from the sea due to still-chilly weather.

The beaches were ready to welcome bums of all sorts but remained empty.

Winner: Outdoor cafes were crowded throughout the afternoon.

Cretans preferred chairs over chaises longue on Easter.

III. The Environmental Award

Winner: The multiple recycling containers on a beach in Rethymno.

A recycler's dream wins!

Loser: The “Photographs Are Forbidden” sign mounted on barbed wire at a seaside military base.

"Photographs Are Forbidden" signs are an environmental eyesore. They lose contests too!

IV. The “Best” Manmade Art On The Seaside

Loser: This hard-to-describe gigantic match and human cannon contraption.

Ready, Aim, Fire – You lose!

Winner: This artfully constructed warrior with a bow.

Ready, Aim, Fire – You win!

V. The Best View From A Float Award

The Idiot violated all the rules and determined that there was a three-way tie for first place.

Winner: This view of snow-capped mountain.

Snow's a winner!

Winner: This view of the sea.

The sea's a winner.

Winner: This view of the port in Rethymno.

The port's a winner.

VII. The Best Part Of The Parade Route

Winner: This lovely path that enabled the parade to stay near the sea for most of Easter Day.

The path's a winner.

VIII. The Very Dramatic Life Or Death Award

Winners: These perky, pesky and pleasant goats on a cliff above the Mediterranean were among the luckiest beasts in Crete on Easter weekend. They lived.

Goats win!

Losers: Crete’s lambs took a big hit and were found roasting on spits in homes, hotels, tavernas and beaches.

Lambs lose!

IX. The Best Look At The Future

The Idiot managed to catch a couple of rare beach bums in a shot that illustrates that the weekend’s comparatively flat Easter Parade terrain will be replaced by mountains tomorrow.

Tomorrow's mountainous MedTrek.

Text and Photos: Joel Stratte-McClure

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About Joel

Joel Stratte-McClure has been a global trekker since the 1970s. He lived in France for over 30 years, working as a journalist, before he turned his attention to a unique life-time-project of walking the shores of the Mediterranean. The first 4,401 kilometers are explored in his inspirational and entertaining first book "The Idiot and the Odyssey: Walking the Mediterranean." The next 4,401 kilometers are covered in the gods-filled sequel, "The Idiot and the Odyssey II: Myth, Madness and Magic on the Mediterranean,” published on Valentine's Day 2013. The last 4,401 kilometers will be discussed in the last book of the trilogy currently entitled "The Idiot and the Odyssey III: Alexander the Great Walks the Mediterranean."